Until I woke up in the hospital with both my hands in bandages, I never questioned my imperfection. Before that day I was a happy, innocent child.  Yes, I had noticed that my hands were different from those of other children and the adults around me, but I thought nothing of it. Everyone had something different about them. So what? My hands seemed normal to me. The bubble of innocence around me burst that day in the hospital. That was the day it first occurred to me that others felt the need to fix me. Was there something “wrong” with me?

At a tender age an “attitude“ took command of my personality. To prove my value, I became defiant. I’ll show you what I can do with my hands! I built hundreds of model cars, planes and ships. When I couldn’t hold small pieces of plastic to glue them together, I raided my mom’s sewing basket and found a pair of tweezers. I taped them in the web between my half-thumb and deformed index finger on my left hand. With this homemade prosthetic, I triumphed, now able to hold the smallest pieces. But “attitude” demanded further proof of my normalcy. I played football, basketball and baseball at positions challenging for my hands. I succeeded. I chose architecture as my profession. It required me to draft, draw freehand and make models. I took great delight in proving others wrong about me. “Attitude” required diligent perseverance in the face of all odds.

In my forties, I found myself in crisis. “Attitude” no longer worked to accomplish my goals. I had to find a new way. When I’m faced with serious challenges I go to the mirror, where I pose questions to the eyes staring back at me. I trust that my Soul has the answers I seek. My Soul explained: Your hands are a daily reminder to show compassion for the myriad ways in which The One expresses and explores the multiplicity of Its perfection in human form. As individual aspects of The One, all people are perfect as they are. Once you understand this, there is no more need for “attitude.”  Now prove your perfection only to yourself.

Changing my mind about myself has been an ongoing process. I’ve had to alter my judgmental beliefs about myself and the world. I’ve also had to change my inner dialogue about our physical differences. I’m learning that everyone is perfect in the eyes of the Soul.

Parents! Please consider the gifts that your children are as they were born, before you decide they need to be changed. What do their special conditions contribute to your family constellation and your perceptions of wholeness and perfection?  Doctors! Please, before you operate on a child with birth “defects,” consider that you may be attempting to fix something that is already perfect in the heart of The One.

The officer refused to consider my circumstances. “You must follow the rules!” To do so, I’d need to rent a car. Ours was wrecked now. I’d have to take a day off from my new job! At twenty-five, I was ready to fight for fairness – justice. All my attempts failed. Exasperated, I erupted, shouting obscenities. Charged with Aggravated Harassment, I was thrown in jail. This is justice? In court, after hearing my story, the judge dismissed the charge. But ego kept retelling this story for years, remaining defiant, ranting against authority. Ego proclaimed my victimhood and viscously berated that officer. Revenge! It screamed. Down with the system! When others cried justice! I empathized.

Many years later, I discovered the source of my rage toward male authority figures. Important men in my early life had projected their own limiting beliefs onto me. They defined me, as a dreamer, claiming I was incapable of achieving my ambitions. “Get real!” They demanded. Part of me acquiesced, adopting their projections as my own “truth.” Another part of me continued rebelling. “I’ll show you bastards what I can do!” A brutal war waged between opposing parts of me in the space between my ears. I’m good. I’m bad. I’m smart. I’m dumb. I’m this. I’m that. Then, one day staring into a mirror, I screamed! Will this war ever end? An inner voice responded: “When you honor your true self!” What? “When you live to express your Soul’s Essence, your tenderness and compassion will end this war.” I don’t understand! “Stop believing those self-critical thoughts and you will be at peace!”

I heard that and set about observing my thoughts. I practiced releasing ego’s claims of my limitations. The opinions of others about me mattered less and less. Realizing that I had a choice which thoughts to trust, I began voicing the thoughts that honored my Essence. To my delight, I learned that positive inner dialogue spoken aloud alters my outer reality in a positive way.

Returning to the mirror one day, standing eyeball to eyeball, I claimed self-authority: I am tenderness and compassion. I felt balanced and peaceful. I felt a sense of fairness and justice toward myself. Now I had peacekeeping tools should inner war break out again. 

As I express my Essence, justice is mirrored in my outer world. Having changed my thoughts, I changed my world. My world now seems a kinder place. I even smile again, sometimes for no apparent reason.

I wonder: Was there ever a time when ego didn’t dominate human behavior? Could Essence have been the original way of being human? If so, could we all return to that state of being? What would it be like to co-create from our combined Essences? What would Earth be like then? Perhaps justice might be everyone’s reality!                  

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