Being lost, the first step in finding my true Self

Finding the gates to the ancient city of Tiahuanacu locked with me inside turned out to be the perfect metaphor for my life in January of ‘92. 

At nearly forty-three, I’d finally found the courage to run away from home. As a young boy, I’d toyed with the idea many times but settled for just dreaming about it while hiding out from the world in my bunk bed. I so enjoyed my mother’s southern cooking, especially her fried chicken and pecan pies that satisfied my sweet tooth.

Sam considered my running away to be abandonment. “You son-of-a-bitch, you’ll go off to find yourself, become the man I knew you could be and leave me with two screaming kids!” My own home felt an unsafe place for self-discovery. One night she’d thrown all my books on the subject out the living room window into the snow-covered courtyard six stories below. I saw my journey as a desperate act of self-preservation. I felt compelled to discover who or what it was inside me that summoned me to “Know Thyself.” 

The abortion we’d endured together in ’88 had driven me deeply inward. A friend introduced me to the local Thai Buddhist Center where the head monk read my palm and hesitantly alluded to the big challenges that lay ahead of me. That same friend introduced me to a “self-improvement program.” Taking their classes acted like eating sugar. I wanted more, more, more. Hungry for more sweetness of “self-knowing,” I was introduced to shamanism and a world of mysteries, metaphors and fire ceremonies by another friend. We thought what better way to discover more about ourselves than doing sacred rituals in Pre-Columbian archaeological sites in western Bolivia near Lake Titicaca? The native people on the Island of the Sun graciously shared their traditions with our small band of gringos. They showed us how to honor Mother Earth and Father Sky and shared the secrets of their lake with us. Sleeping in the Cave of the Moon produced prophetic and profound dreams. 

Strangely, I didn’t panic when I found myself locked inside the remnants of this ancient Andean City. Current-day Tiahuanacu is surrounded by a ten foot tall chain link fence crowned with rolls of razor wire. It was unscalable without significant bodily damage. Mine was already hurting from a cracked head earlier that day. Our bus driver slammed on the brakes at the very moment I was standing in the isle searching through my backpack in the rack above. I fell to the floor and slid 20 feet to the front of the bus and cracked my head on the gearshift. BAM! That hurt like hell and I was left dazed for hours! I’d already been introduced to the idea that my external experiences reflected my thoughts and beliefs. What the hell had I been thinking? The universe has all kinds of tricks to make certain that we wake up from our illusions of separation to receive it’s true blessings.   

Dusk was quickly turning into night. The stars were fading from my view under a fast approaching canopy of low thick clouds from which mist was falling. The temperature dropped. Then a steady rain began. Soon I was drenched. The soil beneath my feet turned to thick mud. Which way do I go to meet up with my traveling companions? Heading left from the gate and running my fingers along the fence, I paid attention to the soggy ground.  After walking about a mile, I felt a depression in the ground. I managed to lift the chainlink just enough to squeeze myself under it. Finally, I was free but completely blind in a deepest darkness I’d ever experienced. Relying solely on my intuition, I chose to head what I thought to be straight. Now trudging through shin deep mud for at least another mile, my feet suddenly detected gravel. A road? 

Again, which way do I go? Logic told me to head right since I’d walked left from the gate. The rain became heavier. So did my down jacket, now completely waterlogged. Somewhere along the way, I was overcome by a perfect moment of clarity. Absolutely nothing in my life mattered. My family, my architecture business, my car, my summer home in the Berkshires no longer mattered. All my attachments dissolved instantaneously. I’ve never felt so free as in that moment. Then the freezing cold brought me back into an abrupt awareness that I still occupied a human body on Earth. That’s when I saw a light about a mile or so off in the distance. Guided by that light and the crunch of the gravel  road beneath my feet, I headed in that direction. An hour later I was wearing dry clothes, sitting in front of a blazing fire in a small hut with a cup of hot coca leaf tea, telling my fellow traveling companions about what had happened. 

“Experiences like yours are to be expected when you embark on this journey inward,” our shamanic studies leader remarked. The next thirty years would test me in every way imaginable. But with my trusty shamanic allies of metaphor and intuition, I knew that night, I could endure anything.

Nothing Better

With rain on the sills 

a slight chill in the air 

we sit, my arm over your shoulder

your hand in mine 

a squeeze now and then,

has me aware 

When your head’s on my shoulder

there are moments of silence

broken only by sips of hot tea,

and sharing something we’ve just read

do I remember  

that we are two 

With soup on the stove top, 

and bread in the oven,

to share later on,

I twist my head 

to plant kisses on yours

we lose our selves

When hearts’ are open

and blessed by silence 

two become one

and there’s nothing better 

than tenderness shared 

on an Autumn Sunday afternoon   

A Gift From The James

On the banks of the James

I sat observing old thoughts and beliefs

of no more consequence 

dropping like spent leaves of Autumn

preparing to become new soil

from which shall surely blossom 

the Mother’s next generation of treasures

Then the space between my ears went  

EMPTY 

after a moment the void did fill 

with cleansing sounds of the river’s rushing rapids 

making for a brilliant clarity of mind and heart 

where I received a message with 

remembrances of my life’s next phase

“No longer shall I walk alone.” It said

My heart filled with joy

and my mind was set ablaze

so I arose from my perch

to unabashedly dance further down the trail

toward a love far greater than any other 

that ever came to me before I became 

EMPTY

Prepared am I to receive her

whomever she may be 

so I surrender and asking of my guides

lead us to each other

where we shall know at once

our well deserved reunion

designed by our Souls  

DUALITY: LESSONS FROM SILLY HUMAN STUFF

It’s fairly common for me to awaken in the morning in the midst of receiving a response from the Universe to some question I’d recently posed. Just waking up, my logical mind has not yet kicked into place to rule my life’s decisions. Logic can inhibit my ability to hear clearly, the answers I’m requesting. I had posed this question: 

What is the purpose of dualistic experiences? 

I’d had more than my share of them, lately.  

So this morning, I awoke with the answer or at least something to consider. The Universe answered with another question. It tends to do that. I’ve gotten used to this process after years of questioning. I’m being encouraged me to apply what I’ve already learned to discover the answers for myself. The Universe is weening me off thinking that it is an external resource and consider that It is an innate resource within myself. So, I heard this question: 

What if the purpose of dualistic (right/wrong) experiences

is not to divide you from another, 

but to light a pathway to remembering Union with another?

I asked: Are you talking about compromise?

I got a clear, NO!

Remember, “In a dualistic world, the opposite is also true.”

Okay then, if I look for truth in both sides of an argument, I expand my self-awareness, my understanding of the other, my compassion which is a form of love in action. That feels unified!

Yes, and? 

‘Expanding,’ I’m aligned with the purpose of the Universe itself. You like to remind me of that! That feels good to me and feeling good about myself is healthy and self-nurturing. 

And? Think more grounded in the practical sense, and more systemically!

Okay! I know it takes two to argue. Even two people make up a system. Each of them have something to learn about themselves from each other and their argument is a vehicle for that process. And the other’s viewpoint is mirroring that which I need to see or acknowledge within myself. If I follow this line of investigation, each dualistic experience is an opportunity to drop my tendency to choose fight or flight (ego) and engage in a process of learning more about myself from the other. Then, I see the other’s view as a gift to embrace rather than a challenger of my rightness. As I look at what’s happening as a mirror, it has me wondering: Am I in some way, arguing or at odds with myself?

Now, don’t you think this a rabbit hole worth exploring?

Dang! Got me again. How do you do that?

The Dreamer

I’m often invigorated by my inner visions and sensations of bliss-filled realities. Many of my visions are quite vivid. I feel blessed and filled with wonderment, child-like. Yes, I am a dreamer, and I am happy to be one! Dreaming comes naturally to me. I’ve dreamed wonderful things into being. But, if I can dream of such wonderment, why is it not present when I’ve awakened from my dreaming? Was my beautiful dream a mirage? Am I a freak of nature? In moments of self-doubt, I question the value of being a dreamer.

After some consideration, I asked myself: What is the dreamer’s role in human society? As soon as I asked that question, the following came to me: The dreamer is a place-holder for the promise of a new world yet to be fulfilled. The dreamer also carries a burden. The dreamer’s burden is the practice of patience while simultaneously observing human advancement along the curve of the acceleration of human Self-Awareness as a creator.

When the dreamer senses the perfect moment along this curve, the dreamer then places the memory of the dream’s fulfillment, like a pebble into a bucket of water, into the minds of those available to facilitate it’s building. As the dream becomes actual to more people, a critical mass of dream builders accumulates in the population. In this way the dreamer learns humility. The dreamer takes no credit for the dream. The dreamer is simply a vehicle through which dreams pass from the BlueSpace, where everything already exists, into physical form.

If the dream already exists in this BlueSpace and a dreamer offers its vehicle for the dream to pass then, What determines the readiness of humankind to receive the dream?

I’ve learned that this curve measures the collective vibrational rate of the human collective, the degree to which people have become Self-Aware of their Union with All That Is. As Self-Awareness advances to match the vibrational rate of the dream of peace, so shall peace pass from the BlueSpace through the dreamers and into the hearts and minds of the people of the world who will marvel. Oh! Now I remember what it looks like and feels like.

Who out there is preparing to match and receive the peace of a million years of dreaming?

STANDING AT A THRESHOLD

Recently, I found myself standing at yet another threshold. A passion to be stronger, more masterfull with my life, more loving, open to new experiences has brought me here. Having stood here many times before, I recognize that the prerequisite to my crossing over, always the same, is the purging of old thoughts and feelings from my psyche and my heart. The next phase of my Soul’s Journey begs unfolding. I’ve learned to trust that my Soul is working through me toward fulfillment of its desired destiny. To cross these thresholds requires me to be empty each time to become a new vessle to be filled. I must be unencumbered by my past, outmoded beliefs and stagnant energies, prepared to receive the beauty and bounty held in my Soul’s Design for the next phase of this incarnation. As I pass through this opening, I’m prepared to execute my Soul’s Design, to play my part in service to the fulfillment of the peace promised by a million years of dreaming.

MY DEAREST FEMININE

My Dearest Feminine,

Do you remember when the Masculine expressed its Loving Essence along with yours without measure?

I promise you, the Masculine is trying to remember its Loving Essence.

Otherwise this pain I would not feel.

But It’s been eons since the Masculine knew its own true nature.

The Masculine has pretended to be separate from you for so long.

Remembering is more challenging than the Masculine anticipated since at first we planned.

But without this pretense of our separateness, the celebration of our reunion could not be.

And duality would be sustained.

This pretense is now concluding, the illusion having lived out to its fullest.

Signs of our reunion do appear in collapsing structures built on this false pretense.

Look no further for the proof.

Yet your continued patience with the Masculine’s remembering is requested.

Those with open hearts shall read the signs.

The Masculine once again shall be your co-creative partner, equals, yet distinct in roles.

When the Loving Essence is recalled, the Masculine once again shall love and honor you without condition or measure.

And equals in creation we shall be, once again.

In loving memory of Jayn Stewart,  embodiment of the Divine Feminine and initiator of my remembering who trusted me to complete my remembering to touch the hearts of other men the world around. Even in your passing from the physical, you inspire my creativity. Love and Blessings, Me Too

AN INVITATION

A deep longing within my Soul calls for new adventures.

External escapes to far away places are not yet right for me.

After inner turbulence, I need to explore the peace of all that is in my Soul’s Design.    

Dear heart of mine, take me to where I can dance to the beat of love’s song again.

Dear breath of mine, take me to where I can feast on melodies of love’s song again.

Dear mind of mine, take me to doors that open to the mysterious worlds within me.

Once I’ve summoned courage to look within my Soul, there is excitement waiting there.

On this plane, I always discover that my inner world is so rich.

These travels inward bring new ideas, insights, and deeper meaning to my life.

Dear ONE, may I be so blessed to share the beauty of these adventures with others.

Join me if you dare!

QUESTIONS

Accepting what I see and hear at face value can be challenging for me. However, I can generally accept what is rather than rebel against it. That was the old me. I do tend to want to dig deeper into the symbolism and bigger picture that underlies human experiences. I find the symbolism in stories fascinating. That’s because I was born curious and perhaps a bit skeptical about the physical world being presented as the only reality. I have this inner knowing that other dimensions exist. Consequently, I’ve learned to indulge, sometimes overly, my tendency to question everything about the world of form. However, I do appreciate my experiences in the physical. And, I make it my practice to ask questions more than making proclamations about so called absolute truths in a world where the opposite is also true. The subjective nature of human existence on Earth means that it’s always in flux, new in some way. Frankly, I like it that way.

I find the experience of changeability to be enlivening because I know that my physicality is derived from an adventurous Soul who engages the new. So, questions have become more valuable to me than answers. This has me be more alert and curious. Questions helps me be more self-aware so I’m always discovering new things about myself. And knowing myself helps me to know others, which has me be more compassionate. Whatever the nature of my inquiries, I enjoy being surprised by explanations that lead to deeper questions and their inherent symbolism. Each question leads me to a new chapter in my life’s story. I’m acutely aware that a new chapter is just beginning to be written.

At transitions between old and new chapters, challenges seem to find me. And challenges always lead me to more questions. I’ve learned that the answers I seek lie inherently within my questions. In that systemic way of thinking, answers are pretty simple to come by. That’s why questions are as important to me as answers. I no longer spend time preparing myself for meet the challenges by turning to new chapters. Now, I enjoy ‘winging it’. I’ve befriended spontaneity. It deepens my love of self-exploration. I find that exciting which has me look, think, feel, and act younger than my years.

I’ve become more flexible and better able to find expansive and inclusive perspectives about life’s events. I welcome experiences that change my mind and open my heart. That way I can rise to meet the changeable external circumstances I encounter. Because I am eager to know more about myself,  I enjoy my life more when I am asking questions. In fact, I’m treasuring life because I see the world in an entirely new light each day. My constant queries serve to remind me how little I do know. And it’s my relationship with my Soul, the part of me that exists in a non-physical dimension that helps me the most. This relationship provides me with access to what I call The BlueSpace. It’s the place where all the answers and solutions already exist. Knowing this, I’m free to ask any question.